I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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