I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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