Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize