I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
