I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
