Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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