I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
