I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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