How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can text with my tongue
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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