Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
ttyl tear gas
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
