I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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