i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
