The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I fill condoms, not promises.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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