guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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