My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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