I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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