Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
