My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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