i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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