I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
