I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
