I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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