It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
