i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
