Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
