Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
