what if every blade of grass was a penis?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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