After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
