I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
