Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
