I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
