There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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