My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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