Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have post one night stand depression
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