Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
