it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
