I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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