Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize