How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
