kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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