Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
