i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
