I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize