we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
