Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
