Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
