Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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