Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
