Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize