I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
