What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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