my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
