My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
