After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
