you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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