I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
