my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
