so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
