A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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