On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
