you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
