Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
