I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
